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Dec. 18th, 2004 @ 09:17 am (no subject)

HW: 140ish
LW: 108
CW: 130ish (no scale these days)
STGW: 110

I'm going to take the risk of coming off as a complete grump and start with a mini-rant.

Some people around me know that I'm anorexic. Some can't accept that I am, because my weight is healthy and my hips are big. The ones who do believe me only act differently when I'm not eating. They feel the need to "save me". However, if I let them see me eat one single thing, they relax and assume things are great. Then, the next week or so, when they see that I'm not eating again, they say things like "Whoa! I thought things were going so well! I thought you were all better."

Now, I'm definitely not one of those anorexics who needs people around her to be afraid and take notice. I don't do it to control other people. But it's so laughable, so shallow: people tend to equate the disorder with the behavior. As if we couldn't be anorexics if we eat a bowl of soup and a cup of yogurt in the evenings. As if we couldn't be anorexics if we ever once lose control for a weekend and gain a few pounds. As if, as long as they see us place one paltry morsel between our lips every day, they have no further duty to "save us".

Once we get thin enough for people to be seriously afraid, the disorder has already progressed beyond saving. Once we start to look as sick as we actually are, it's far too late.

Think about it. Let's assume I weigh 130 now. Let's assume, further, that I can restrict at 800 calories per day, with a 500 calorie workout. Accounting for occasional exhaustion/loss of control, that means (for me) that I'll lose approximately two pounds per week after the initial big drop. (I've been doing this for a long time, so I know what to expect.) At 110 I look great, or so everyone tells me. At 100 I'd probably look a little sick, and people would worry. That's fifteen weeks of hard starvation, or nearly a third of a year. Fifteen weeks deeper into this illness before people start to wonder if they should talk to me.

It's a good thing I don't want the attention, girls, because I'd have a very long road ahead of me.

Anyone else in the same boat?
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Date:December 22nd, 2004 09:53 pm (UTC)
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i understand what you're talking about... but i'll only tell of one case... which was recently... i'm a member of another community and i was asking for tips on what to eat and pretty much asking what others do so perhaps i could try it.. well someone posted and said i sounded like i was BECOMING anorexic simply b/c i eat and i'm trying to restrict more and more.... it infuriated me.. i was anorexic for about 2 years in high school.. recovered.. and dun dun dun.. i'm back. and it's just something i'm going to have to struggle with.. i finally gave into it.. but i can control it... but it pissed me off b/c he said i was BECOMING ana.. he didn't read my stats.. or my history.. he assumed.. he basically told me that the reason he's more anorexic than i am is b/c he doesn't eat at all.. and he does cocain.... and then went on to tell me that i shouldn't eat poor helpless slaughtered animals...

i .. was.. mad. first off.. the main meat i eat is poultry.. every now and then.. i might eat beef or seafood or something.. second.. anorexia is a struggle that i overcame.. but decided i couldn't take it anymore.. and i wanted tips since i nkow others who are going through the same thing.. last time.. i didn't even know i was anorexic till soon before i was trying to recover.. it was just how i was.. and i did it alone.. and 3rd.. i'm not a druggie.. i don't need to completely kill off my body and brain cells to speed up the weight loss process..

SOO... after my short rant.. i can sympathize in a slighty different way. ;)