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Dec. 20th, 2004 @ 09:13 am (no subject)
Sara, I know exactly what you mean. I have gotten the same thing from both of the boyfriends I've had while I've been ana.

"I'm worried about you because you still worry about your weight, not because you're thin enough to worry about. If you were really in trouble, you'd be way thinner."

I've heard that the whole time I've been ana. "You're too fat to be anorexic." "You eat too much to be anorexic." "It's not like you're rail-thin or anything." This makes me want to drag out my ana trophies: "Yeah, but I had a heart attack two years ago," "Yeah, but I also go days without eating anything," "Yeah, but I used to have a BMI of 17 and I'm more obsessed now than I was then."

I want to grab him by his shoulders, look into his eyes, and say, "Look. This disease is in my head, not in my body. I can point you to hundreds of girls on LJ who are overweight or obese and who are as anorexic as they come. Many anorexic girls die while they're still overweight, because, due to potassium and magnesium imbalances from starvation, their hearts cannot support their bodies. If you wait until a girl looks like she's dying, she's already as good as dead."

When I finally broke down and went to a doctor for help two years ago, I confessed that I was anorexic. He weighed me, looked me up and down, and said, "Well, it looks like you've lost a lot of weight since last year. You look great! You were towards the high side of a normal weight, but now you don't have anything to worry about."

I pointed to the weight chart on the wall. "By your own chart, I'm now nine pounds medically underweight. I'm telling you that I've been starving myself and I want help."

"Relax," he said. "You've probably just been taking things too seriously. Just stop your diet, but make sure everything stays under control. The main challenge in going off a diet is making sure old habits don't return. You don't want all that weight coming back in two months now, do you?"

"You don't understand," I said. "I eat one frozen dinner every day, nothing more, and I work out two or three hours a day. I'm underweight. I know what anorexia is, because I have it."

"That's great; I work out forty-five minutes a day when I get a chance. Anyway, you're not anorexic. If you were, you'd be at least ten pounds lighter."

I cannot believe there are still medical professionals out there who tell girls that they're too fat to be anorexic... but, now that I think about it, it WAS a very effective form of inspiration.
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nycteri:
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From:sleepingstar2
Date:December 20th, 2004 02:53 pm (UTC)
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grrrrrrrrr! I get that all the time!!! I do want help but only if my husband will admit that I have a problem.. he dosnet really care because he secretly wants me to be really thin. I wont stop till he takes me seriously! till anyone takes me seriously!!!
From:nycteri
Date:December 20th, 2004 07:04 pm (UTC)
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I know. My boyfriend would love it if I could be super-thin. I think he'd prefer it if I was super-thin and mentally healthy, but he's not going to complain if I'm super-thin and crazy.

I'm right there with you. I want to believe that someday he'll take me seriously in this... and not only that. I want him to realize that society's (and his) preference for thin girls kills people. And not just dumb teenagers, but grown women like you and I. He thinks I'm too old, too educated, too mature for real anorexia.

He doesn't understand that all it means is that I can do it more sustainably, more intelligently than a fourteen-year-old with a handful of stackers.

I suppose all we can do is pray for the strength to make our bodies reflect what already exists in our minds. It's the old paradox for anorexics who aren't underweight yet... we must get sicker before we can get help.
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From:sleepingstar2
Date:December 20th, 2004 08:36 pm (UTC)
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you are amazing.
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From:mirror_of_lies
Date:December 21st, 2004 06:13 am (UTC)
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wow this thread and convo has hit home with a lot of things with me.
i know i have a problem. i know i do. its been a haunting obsession for 12 years. and the only one who sees it is my mom (she is kinda ana also) so shes sees my patterns. its like now i feel like my goal of 115 is not good enough. obviously not thin enough, because like u said. once u are seen as "thin" u are at the point of no return. and personally i think sometimes, a true ana, will always be at that point of no return. we may forgive ana but never forget her. i dont want to be sick anymore, but i don't want to "healthy" either, because to me healthy = heavy. thus the vicious cycle continues
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From:silent_touch
Date:December 22nd, 2004 10:08 pm (UTC)
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my god.. how do you live with all of these idiots around you??

that's horrible... but i will say that with the doctor thing.. i went to a doctor a couple years ago.. when i weighed about 118lbs.. (i'm 5'8'') and i was tired of falling out and getting shaky and not being able to stand.. and getting dehydrated... so i told a doctor at the ER.. that i thought i was anorexic (i really didn't know.. b/c i didn't realize what i was doing had a name really.. and i didn't know what all that name.. or term consisted of).. and he looked at me.. and weighed me.. and said that i was perfect for my height... i knew he was lying b/c when i was a couple years younger (which would've been around 13 or 14) another doctor told me i was right for my age and height.. when i was 160.. -_- so yea.. i loved how thin i was.. but i hated how i felt.. and i wanted him to help me.. so all he did was give me an IV.. and tell me and my parents.. that we needed to work together.. to help me find that food isn't bad... that i should take flinstone vitamins.. and it'll build appetite.. and hopefully food would b/c my friend again.... i didn't take vitamins.. but food became my friend.. and voila.... i'm 154 pounds... so screw the rules.. i know what i want. and i just didn't appreciate him saying that i had a slight ED or i was thinking i might have one (which i was.. but he was making it sound like i was putting on a show).. simply b/c my bones didn't poke out everywhere.. only my hip bones and collar bones did.. -_- so ehm.. yes.. i can sympathize with you all. <3


Kristen
From:nycteri
Date:December 23rd, 2004 03:42 pm (UTC)
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Kristen, I'm horrified. Flintstone vitamins? That's sick and funny at the same time. Vitamins don't build appetite.

You're right. If you know what you want, go get it. To hell with anybody who tells you differently.
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From:silent_touch
Date:December 24th, 2004 01:28 am (UTC)
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why are you horrified.. b/c of what i said.. or b/c what you have to go through? and yea.. i was like.. Flintstone vitamins.. are you kidding? lol.. but yea... actually i've been thinking about taking some my mom takes.. just so i can get the shit i need.. ya know? but newho..

and the difference between now and last time.. is i'm older.. and wiser.. and i know what i want.. but i'm not going to go crazy with it.. i personally.. don't like those models or w/e who have ribs and hip bones seriously protruding from their skin... collar bones.. hip bones poking out a tad.. and thin wrists.. are favorites of mine.. but i do'nt want to look like a stick.. ya know? so once i reach a certain weight.. i might decide to go a few pounds lower.. but i'm going to control myself... so thanks for the support. :) and yea.. to hell with em' aaaaall. lol

Kristen
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From:mirror_of_lies
Date:December 23rd, 2004 05:10 am (UTC)
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and we wonder why were all fucked up :\
look what we go through
From:nycteri
Date:December 23rd, 2004 03:39 pm (UTC)
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I've always believed that EDs were nothing more than a normal response to society's fucked-up expectations.

It's Pavlovian operant conditioning. If a girl notices that people only treat her well when she's thin... well, she'll be thin at any cost.
From:(Anonymous)
Date:May 28th, 2006 08:51 pm (UTC)

strange stuff

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i know where your coming from some people esp docs just havent got the time for us annys im 42kg my lowest was 26kg but i eat crap loads and people never believe me
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From:thisisnotrealme
Date:September 25th, 2007 11:49 am (UTC)
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" "You're too fat to be anorexic." "You eat too much to be anorexic." "It's not like you're rail-thin or anything." This makes me want to drag out my ana trophies: "Yeah, but I had a heart attack two years ago," "Yeah, but I also go days without eating anything," "Yeah, but I used to have a BMI of 17 and I'm more obsessed now than I was then." "

I completely agree with that. When I was first self-diagnosed with Anorexia, I went to a doctor, and he actually said to my face, "You aren't thin enough." Ignoring the fact that I hadn't eaten a meal in 3 weeks...

In an odd way, it's nice to know someone else feels the same.


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